Larry's Fairy Tales - Part 11

 Beauty and the Beast

This is the next in my occasional series of slightly altered fairy tales.  I think my friend Franco at Vellohomo will like this one.

Once upon a time there was a young man named Beau.  He was so handsome that all the girls in the village pursued him, but he wasn't interested in any of them.

The villagers said that there was an enchanted castle deep in the woods where a horrible beast lived.  One day Beau went for a long walk in the woods, and the path led him to a stately castle.  Everything around it was wild and overgrown.

Beau knocked on the castle door.  It was opened by a man who was as hairy as a beast.

"What do you want?" said the Beast.  "What are you staring at?  Oh, that.  Well, you know, it has a mind of its own."

Beau laughed.  "Yes, I know.  Mine does, too."

(Note: I used Photoshop to put favorite unashamed male Daniel Ray Siller into the castle doorway.)

"I'm the Beast," said the Beast.  "Aren't you scared of me?"

"No, should I be?  I'm Beau, and I'm pleased to meet you.  Are you going to invite me in?"

"Sorry.  It's been a while since I had a visitor.  Follow me.  There aren't any servants.  It's a long story."

(Another photo of Daniel Ray Siller that I photoshopped into the doorway.)

"Long ago, I was a prince," said the Beast.  "I was a handsome young man like you.  I thought it would make me more attractive if I shaved off my body hair, so I did – underarms, pubes, everything."

"Suddenly an old man appeared.  He was my fairy godfather.  He said that shaving my pubes was a crime against nature, and as a punishment he cast a spell that turned me into a hairy beast.  If I shave off the hair, it grows back instantly, so I'm stuck with it.  The spell can only be broken if somebody loves me, and who would love a beast?"

(Note: the fairy godfather is San Francisco nudity activist George Davis.)

The Beast invited Beau to dinner.  "We'll have to cook it ourselves," said the Beast, "because my fairy godfather turned all the servants into candelabras and teapots and such.  They're totally useless.  That's why I had to answer the door myself.  Would you like to help me in the kitchen?"

"Sure, I'd love to help."

(Kitchen photo from Franco's blog Vellohomo)

Dinner turned out to be surprisingly good.  Beau enjoyed the stories that the Beast told him about the old days in the castle, and the Beast enjoyed hearing what was happening in the outside world.

After dinner, the Beast said, "Do you want to stay the night?  I'm going to take a shower, and then it's time for bed."

"I'd love to stay the night," said Beau.  "And I can help you in the shower, since you have no servants.  I'll wash your back if you wash mine."  So they got into the shower together, and it was a lot of fun.

(Photo from Franco's blog Vellohomo)

Then they went to bed, and they had a lot of fun there, too.

Beau stayed in the castle with the Beast, and they lived together and were happy.  But after a month had passed, the Beast told Beau, "You should go away and find someone else.  This is no life for you, living with a Beast who has been cursed."

"But ... but I love you."

Suddenly the fairy godfather appeared.  "The spell is broken," he said.  "All your servants are back again.  But as for you, Beast, I will give you a choice.  Do you want to be hairless again?"

"No," cried Beau.  "I love his hair.  Give him more hair."

So the hair on the Beast's chest grew thicker.  And his underarm hair grew thicker.  And his pubes grew into a virtual forest.

"Mmmm," said Beau.  "I love hairy men."

And they lived happily ever after.

(Photo from Franco's blog Vellohomo.  Thanks, Franco!)

Larry's Fairy Tales - Part 10

 The Three Little Pigs

This is the next one in my occasional series of slightly altered classic fairy tales.  I found this slightly altered book cover on the blog holyicons.newtumbl.com.

Once upon a time there were three little pigs ...

and a wolf.

The three little pigs were all in the closet.  The first little pig built a closet out of straw.  (I found this photo on the blog Workmen and Rednecks.  Thanks, Laurent!)

The second little pig built a closet out of wood.

And the third little pig built a closet out of brick.

    One day, the wolf stopped by the straw closet of the first little pig.
    "Little pig, little pig, let me in, quick," said the wolf.
    "Not by the hair on my dicky dick dick," said the pig.
    "Well, that's just what I was coming to see you about," said the wolf, who was a smooth talker.  "If you let me in, I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your you know what."

    "Why didn't you say so?" said the pig.  "Come on in."

The wolf huffed and he puffed and he blew the pig's you know what, but afterwards, the pig was still in the closet.

    Then the wolf went to the wooden closet of the second little pig.

    "Little pig, little pig, let me in, quick," said the wolf.

    "Not by the hair on my dicky dick dick," said the pig.

    "I love how you've fixed up the place," said the wolf.  "Are these hardwood floors?  If you let me in, I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your you know what."

    "Oh!  In that case, come in," said the pig.

The wolf huffed and he puffed and he blew the pig's you know what, but afterwards, the pig was still in the closet.

    Finally the wolf went to the brick closet of the third little pig.  This little pig was the cutest one of all.

    "Little pig, little pig, let me in, quick," said the wolf.

    "Not by the hair on my dicky dick dick," said the pig.

    "I bet this place could be in Architectural Digest," said the wolf.  "And if you let me in, I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your you know what."

    But the pig wouldn't let the wolf in.  His resistance was as strong as his brick closet.  The wolf realized that he was coming on too strong, and he had to change his approach.

     "Little pig, little pig, let's take it slow," said the wolf.  "Let me take you out to dinner and a show."

     So the wolf took the little pig out to dinner and then they saw "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"  They discovered that they both had a love of classic films.  After several more dates, the third little pig came out of the closet and moved in with the wolf, and they lived happily ever after.

Larry's Fairy Tales - Part 9

Hansel and Gretel

This version of Hansel and Gretel departs quite a bit from the original fairy tale, but hey, it's my version, so I get to do what I want.

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Hansel who lived with his parents in a little cottage next to a great forest.  His parents told him never to go into the forest, because an evil wizard lived there with terrible powers who would cook you and eat you.

When Hansel was 18 years old, his parents told him that he had to get married, because they were too poor to keep supporting him.  But Hansel didn't like any of the girls in the nearby village.  In fact, he didn't like girls at all.

One day, his father told him that he had arranged for Hansel to marry a woman in the village named Gretel, and that the marriage would happen tomorrow.

     "Gretel?" said Hansel.  "That ugly old woman?  I can't marry Gretel."

     "You had your chance to marry a pretty young girl, and you didn't," said his father.  "Now you'll do as I say.  Gretel is rich, and the marriage is all arranged."

(Painting: The Ugly Duchess by Quentin Matsys, 1513)

Hansel said he would run away.  To keep him from doing that, his father took away all of Hansel's clothes that night and locked them up.  That didn't stop Hansel.  Early the next morning, he took some bread and cheese and ran, naked, into the great forest.

Soon the path disappeared, but Hansel wandered farther and farther.

By the time it got dark, Hansel climbed atop a rock outcrop to try to keep away from the wild animals.  He had eaten up the bread and cheese, and he spent a miserable cold night.

The next morning, from the rock, Hansel saw a house in the distance.

By noon he reached the house.  "Wow," said Hansel.  "A gingerbread house!  I've never seen so much gingerbread on a house."  Nobody answered the door, so Hansel walked around back.

Behind a shed, he found a man taking a shower.

     "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain," said the man.

     "Who are you?" asked Hansel.

     "I am the wizard.  Who are you?"

     "I'm Hansel.  Please don't cook me and eat me."

     "Cook you?  Why would I do that?"

     "My parents said you cook people and eat them."

     "Oh, that.  That's just a rumor I started to keep nosy people away so they don't bother me."

     "Oh.  I'm sorry.  I'll go away ... except, may I have something to eat first?  I haven't eaten since yesterday."

     "Of course, where are my manners?" said the wizard, looking at Hansel.  "Well, handsome, I mean Hansel, come inside."

They went inside the house, and the wizard prepared food and drink.  As Hansel was eating, the wizard said, "Let me consult the Tarot and see what we're going to do about you."

     He took out his deck of Tarot cards, shuffled them, and pulled out The Fool.  Hansel had never seen any cards like this.

     "That doesn't mean you're a fool," said the wizard.  "It means the start of a journey."

     "Yes, I've been traveling for two days."

The next card he pulled out was The Hermit.  "You're trying to get away from something."

     "Yes.  I ran away because my father was going to force me to marry an ugly old woman.  I don't want to get married."

     "A good-looking young man like you must have a girlfriend."

     "No.  I don't like girls."

The next card was The World.  "That signifies the end of a journey," said the wizard.  "You've reached the end of your journey right here."

He pulled out the next card, The Lovers.  Hansel had never seen a picture like this of two men as lovers. "This is what awaits you at the end of your journey," said the wizard.

     "Am I one of the lovers?" asked Hansel.

     "Yes.  What do you think about that?"

     "It looks exciting.  I like these cards.  Who is the other man?"

     "Well, let's see if the cards will tell us."

He pulled out The Magician.  "That would be me.  The Tarot says you're going to live with me and be my lover.  Would you like that?"

     Hansel grinned.  "Yes, I'd like that very much.  Will you teach me tricks, like how to pull the card you want out of the deck?"

     "I knew you weren't a fool.  Well, first there are a few tricks I want to teach you in bed."

      And they lived happily every after.

*          *          *

Notes

1. It's a tale about wizardry, so I used a little Photoshop magic of my own.  I added both the gingerbread house and Hansel into the photo of the house, and I added Hansel into the photo of the guy taking a shower.

2. I'm certainly no Tarot expert, but from what I've read, the cards can actually be interpreted as related here, e.g. the Fool means the start of a journey, etc.  Of course, these cards, by St. Jinx, are no ordinary Tarot cards.

Larry's Fairy Tales - Part 8

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Once upon a time, there was a prince called Snow White, because he always wore tighty whities and not much else.  His friends called him Whitey.

(Photo: Don Hawksley by Pat Milo)

    The kingdom was ruled by Whitey's stepmother, an evil drag queen.  Every day, she asked her mirror, "Mirror mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?"
    There was no answer, because it was just a mirror.  But the queen would see her reflection in the mirror, which was all the answer she needed.
    One day as the queen was going through this ritual, Whitey approached from behind her.  In answer to her question, "Who's the fairest one of all?" she saw Whitey in the mirror.  And, you know, he was looking pretty good.

(Photo: RuPaul's Drag Race winner Violet Chachki)

    Being totally paranoid as well as a pathological narcissist, the queen called for her huntsman and told him to take Whitey into the forest, kill him, and bring back his tighty whities as proof that he was dead.  The huntsman took Whitey into the forest, but he couldn't bring himself to do the deed.  Instead, he told Whitey about the queen's plot.  He asked Whitey to give him his underpants and flee into the forest.  The huntsman returned and presented the tighty whities to the queen.
    Whitey ran deep into the woods, where he found a little cottage with nobody inside, and seven little beds that he stretched across and fell asleep.

(Photo: George Ives, Upper Saranac Lake, New York, by Bruce Weber)

He woke up surrounded by seven little men.  "Allow us to introduce ourselves.  I'm Horny."

"I'm Cocky."

"I'm Hairy."

"I'm Humpy."

"I'm Bashful."

"I'm Wee Man."

"And I'm Cutie," said the last dwarf, giving Whitey a hug.

    "I'm Whitey," said Whitey.  "I ran away because the evil drag queen wanted to kill me, and I don't have a place to stay."

    "You can stay here with us."

    "But I don't have anything to pay you with."

    "Don't worry about that," said Cutie, looking him up and down and pausing below the waist.  "We work all day in our mine, and then we play at night.  Have you ever had an eight-way with dwarfs?  You know what they say: once you go dwarf, you never back orf."

    "Um, I didn't know that they say that.  But thank you, I'd like to stay.  I'm afraid I didn't catch all your names.  Who's Horny?"

    "I am," they all said.

After a busy night, the dwarfs went to work in their mine, singing "Hi hoe, hi hoe, it's off to work we go," and leaving Whitey in the cottage.

    Meanwhile, the queen found out that Whitey was still alive and living with the dwarfs.  She prepared an apple with the spell of the Sleeping Death.  Then she disguised herself as an old peddler and made her way to the dwarfs' cottage.  

    The queen called to Whitey through the window, "Have pity on an old bearded lady peddler and buy one of my apples."

    "I don't have any money," said Whitey.

    "Well, just for you, you can have this one free.  It's a magic wishing apple.  Make a wish, and take a bite."

    Whitey wished that the handsome huntsman would come back for him.  He bit into the apple and fell into a deathlike sleep.

(Photo: from Walt Disney's Snow White, 1937, slightly modified by me)

    When the dwarfs returned from the mine, they couldn't wake Whitey, no matter what they tried.  They knew it must be the work of the evil queen.  Finally, they laid him onto his bed, where he slept peacefully.

    "At least it looks like he's having a happy dream," said Cutie.

    To get even with the queen, the dwarfs started some rumors that got the queen disqualified from RuPaul's Drag Race, whereupon the queen threw herself off a cliff and died.

    Meanwhile, the huntsman heard about what had happened at the dwarfs' cottage.  When he arrived, the dwarfs told him that they couldn't wake Whitey.

    "I think the usual antidote for these evil spells is the kiss of true love," said the huntsman.  "Did you try that?"

    "No," said one of the dwarfs.  "We tried the blowjob of true lust."

    "Many times," said another dwarf.  "But it didn't work."

    So the huntsman laid atop Whitey and kissed him.  Whitey opened his eyes.

    "I had the most wonderful dream," he said.  "I dreamed that you would come for me."

    "I did," said the huntsman.  "And I will."

    And they lived happily ever after.

NOTES:

1. I have nothing against drag queens.  It's just a story.

2. All of the little people pictured here are adults, not children.

3 Dwarfs vs dwarves.  In fairy tales and in standard English, the plural of dwarf is dwarfs.  Tolkien called them dwarves in The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings, but he acknowledged that he was deliberately using a different spelling to distinguish his race of dwarves from the standard fairy tale dwarfs.