Larry's Fairy Tales - Part 8

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Once upon a time, there was a prince called Snow White, because he always wore tighty whities and not much else.  His friends called him Whitey.

(Photo: Don Hawksley by Pat Milo)

    The kingdom was ruled by Whitey's stepmother, an evil drag queen.  Every day, she asked her mirror, "Mirror mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?"
    There was no answer, because it was just a mirror.  But the queen would see her reflection in the mirror, which was all the answer she needed.
    One day as the queen was going through this ritual, Whitey approached from behind her.  In answer to her question, "Who's the fairest one of all?" she saw Whitey in the mirror.  And, you know, he was looking pretty good.

(Photo: RuPaul's Drag Race winner Violet Chachki)

    Being totally paranoid as well as a pathological narcissist, the queen called for her huntsman and told him to take Whitey into the forest, kill him, and bring back his tighty whities as proof that he was dead.  The huntsman took Whitey into the forest, but he couldn't bring himself to do the deed.  Instead, he told Whitey about the queen's plot.  He asked Whitey to give him his underpants and flee into the forest.  The huntsman returned and presented the tighty whities to the queen.
    Whitey ran deep into the woods, where he found a little cottage with nobody inside, and seven little beds that he stretched across and fell asleep.

(Photo: George Ives, Upper Saranac Lake, New York, by Bruce Weber)

He woke up surrounded by seven little men.  "Allow us to introduce ourselves.  I'm Horny."

"I'm Cocky."

"I'm Hairy."

"I'm Humpy."

"I'm Bashful."

"I'm Wee Man."

"And I'm Cutie," said the last dwarf, giving Whitey a hug.

    "I'm Whitey," said Whitey.  "I ran away because the evil drag queen wanted to kill me, and I don't have a place to stay."

    "You can stay here with us."

    "But I don't have anything to pay you with."

    "Don't worry about that," said Cutie, looking him up and down and pausing below the waist.  "We work all day in our mine, and then we play at night.  Have you ever had an eight-way with dwarfs?  You know what they say: once you go dwarf, you never back orf."

    "Um, I didn't know that they say that.  But thank you, I'd like to stay.  I'm afraid I didn't catch all your names.  Who's Horny?"

    "I am," they all said.

After a busy night, the dwarfs went to work in their mine, singing "Hi hoe, hi hoe, it's off to work we go," and leaving Whitey in the cottage.

    Meanwhile, the queen found out that Whitey was still alive and living with the dwarfs.  She prepared an apple with the spell of the Sleeping Death.  Then she disguised herself as an old peddler and made her way to the dwarfs' cottage.  

    The queen called to Whitey through the window, "Have pity on an old bearded lady peddler and buy one of my apples."

    "I don't have any money," said Whitey.

    "Well, just for you, you can have this one free.  It's a magic wishing apple.  Make a wish, and take a bite."

    Whitey wished that the handsome huntsman would come back for him.  He bit into the apple and fell into a deathlike sleep.

(Photo: from Walt Disney's Snow White, 1937, slightly modified by me)

    When the dwarfs returned from the mine, they couldn't wake Whitey, no matter what they tried.  They knew it must be the work of the evil queen.  Finally, they laid him onto his bed, where he slept peacefully.

    "At least it looks like he's having a happy dream," said Cutie.

    To get even with the queen, the dwarfs started some rumors that got the queen disqualified from RuPaul's Drag Race, whereupon the queen threw herself off a cliff and died.

    Meanwhile, the huntsman heard about what had happened at the dwarfs' cottage.  When he arrived, the dwarfs told him that they couldn't wake Whitey.

    "I think the usual antidote for these evil spells is the kiss of true love," said the huntsman.  "Did you try that?"

    "No," said one of the dwarfs.  "We tried the blowjob of true lust."

    "Many times," said another dwarf.  "But it didn't work."

    So the huntsman laid atop Whitey and kissed him.  Whitey opened his eyes.

    "I had the most wonderful dream," he said.  "I dreamed that you would come for me."

    "I did," said the huntsman.  "And I will."

    And they lived happily ever after.

NOTES:

1. I have nothing against drag queens.  It's just a story.

2. All of the little people pictured here are adults, not children.

3 Dwarfs vs dwarves.  In fairy tales and in standard English, the plural of dwarf is dwarfs.  Tolkien called them dwarves in The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings, but he acknowledged that he was deliberately using a different spelling to distinguish his race of dwarves from the standard fairy tale dwarfs.