Larry's Fairy Tales - Part 9

Hansel and Gretel

This version of Hansel and Gretel departs quite a bit from the original fairy tale, but hey, it's my version, so I get to do what I want.

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Hansel who lived with his parents in a little cottage next to a great forest.  His parents told him never to go into the forest, because an evil wizard lived there with terrible powers who would cook you and eat you.

When Hansel was 18 years old, his parents told him that he had to get married, because they were too poor to keep supporting him.  But Hansel didn't like any of the girls in the nearby village.  In fact, he didn't like girls at all.

One day, his father told him that he had arranged for Hansel to marry a woman in the village named Gretel, and that the marriage would happen tomorrow.

     "Gretel?" said Hansel.  "That ugly old woman?  I can't marry Gretel."

     "You had your chance to marry a pretty young girl, and you didn't," said his father.  "Now you'll do as I say.  Gretel is rich, and the marriage is all arranged."

(Painting: The Ugly Duchess by Quentin Matsys, 1513)

Hansel said he would run away.  To keep him from doing that, his father took away all of Hansel's clothes that night and locked them up.  That didn't stop Hansel.  Early the next morning, he took some bread and cheese and ran, naked, into the great forest.

Soon the path disappeared, but Hansel wandered farther and farther.

By the time it got dark, Hansel climbed atop a rock outcrop to try to keep away from the wild animals.  He had eaten up the bread and cheese, and he spent a miserable cold night.

The next morning, from the rock, Hansel saw a house in the distance.

By noon he reached the house.  "Wow," said Hansel.  "A gingerbread house!  I've never seen so much gingerbread on a house."  Nobody answered the door, so Hansel walked around back.

Behind a shed, he found a man taking a shower.

     "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain," said the man.

     "Who are you?" asked Hansel.

     "I am the wizard.  Who are you?"

     "I'm Hansel.  Please don't cook me and eat me."

     "Cook you?  Why would I do that?"

     "My parents said you cook people and eat them."

     "Oh, that.  That's just a rumor I started to keep nosy people away so they don't bother me."

     "Oh.  I'm sorry.  I'll go away ... except, may I have something to eat first?  I haven't eaten since yesterday."

     "Of course, where are my manners?" said the wizard, looking at Hansel.  "Well, handsome, I mean Hansel, come inside."

They went inside the house, and the wizard prepared food and drink.  As Hansel was eating, the wizard said, "Let me consult the Tarot and see what we're going to do about you."

     He took out his deck of Tarot cards, shuffled them, and pulled out The Fool.  Hansel had never seen any cards like this.

     "That doesn't mean you're a fool," said the wizard.  "It means the start of a journey."

     "Yes, I've been traveling for two days."

The next card he pulled out was The Hermit.  "You're trying to get away from something."

     "Yes.  I ran away because my father was going to force me to marry an ugly old woman.  I don't want to get married."

     "A good-looking young man like you must have a girlfriend."

     "No.  I don't like girls."

The next card was The World.  "That signifies the end of a journey," said the wizard.  "You've reached the end of your journey right here."

He pulled out the next card, The Lovers.  Hansel had never seen a picture like this of two men as lovers. "This is what awaits you at the end of your journey," said the wizard.

     "Am I one of the lovers?" asked Hansel.

     "Yes.  What do you think about that?"

     "It looks exciting.  I like these cards.  Who is the other man?"

     "Well, let's see if the cards will tell us."

He pulled out The Magician.  "That would be me.  The Tarot says you're going to live with me and be my lover.  Would you like that?"

     Hansel grinned.  "Yes, I'd like that very much.  Will you teach me tricks, like how to pull the card you want out of the deck?"

     "I knew you weren't a fool.  Well, first there are a few tricks I want to teach you in bed."

      And they lived happily every after.

*          *          *

Notes

1. It's a tale about wizardry, so I used a little Photoshop magic of my own.  I added both the gingerbread house and Hansel into the photo of the house, and I added Hansel into the photo of the guy taking a shower.

2. I'm certainly no Tarot expert, but from what I've read, the cards can actually be interpreted as related here, e.g. the Fool means the start of a journey, etc.  Of course, these cards, by St. Jinx, are no ordinary Tarot cards.